Cleaning the Closet

Today is our first day of real training on the system. We are supposed to start working 12-hour days to getting ready for our deployment. We get there at 5:30 and our trainer is nowhere to be found. I send him a page and he tells me he is in traffic. I'm like shit, it's cold as hell and we don't have the clearance to get into the system so we are sitting outside freezing our asses off. Plus I was still purging the punch that was in my system from yesterday. When the trainer got there I couldn't blame him for being late. The guy was in a mini-bike accident. He dropped his bike and the fool had flip-flops on. He almost ripped off half of his toes. All he could wear was flip-flops and we got an inside view of his toes in gory detail.

In the first day of training it was just a series of slides for me it was all throwaway figuring that I had already set up the system and seen it in action. My partner was eating this shit up. I almost felt bad. You know how it is in school when everyone is furiously writing notes and you are like what's the point? Then you have this sense of panic like maybe I'm missing something. But, yet again the challenge, much like college, was keeping my eyes open.

Well about halfway though the class I get a call from an old flame (of sorts) she comes of as a party girl but, I had the displeasure of meeting her right around the time she started thinking of turning a new leaf and growing upShe was into a bit of everything but, I think she sells BMWs in Scottsdale or something like that now. At any rate she apologized for missing my party and wanted to know if we could get together today for dinner on her. I was like I'd love to but, I have other plans so how about tomorrow. She said cool and that was that.

My ex and I had planned on getting back together today so I could talk to her "our" son about where I was going and what I was doing. He isn't my biological child but I raised him from about 8 months to when they left and he was 6 years old. My heart really goes out to those parents that have to leave their family behind. When I met them at the restaurant it was around then I realized what could possibly make me stay. I had been pretty unemotional about this whole situation until this point. I mean here is this kid that I taught to walk, and talk, and read, and count, and potty trained, and all of the things that you have done together just rush through your mind. To him I am a superhero who can do no wrong; to him I am Mr. Goodtime. We used to do everything together. You know in your heart it's hard to live up to a child's image of you but you do what you can. And here I am trying to explain to him what death is and that I may die in a war. I asked him if he knew what Iraq was or where it was?

He said, "no."
I said, "Do you know what war is?"
He said, "When lots of people go to a big battle and some people die."

His explanation shook both his mother and I, just the wisdom of the thing. Kids always have this extra repository of knowledge that as an adult you never realize until they do something that you think is amazing. I could see tears well up in his mom's eyes and I felt them start in mine but when Dad role kicks in you innately learn how to suck it up.

I said to him, "Well I'm going to a war so I can help the soldiers catch the bad guys and that if I don't come back I want you to know that I love you."

He looked at me in a way that only a child can do and said, "Uh, I already know that."

That made me laugh. The confidence from the way he responded to me just let me know that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I have created another pompous asshole. My job here is done. His mom and I talked a bit more and then they left I was glad I talked to him but, sad to see him go. When you get older you always want one more minute.