Rogue's Gallery: Entry 0002 - Corporal Ricky Schroder and Lance Corporal Coot

Cpl. Schroder and LCpl Coot let’s call them my Iraqi tour guides. We had a job to some maintenance on an antenna it was my first time in a Convoy. I remember when they said we had to go out. In my mind I started to freak out. My co-worker is saying don’t worry about it we don’t have to go far and the entire route is secure. Maybe so but, we still have to leave the base and I left my cape at home. So my tour guides come up and introduce themselves to me. Schroder looks like Ricky Schroder from the Silver Spoons era he looks too short and cute to be out here and Coot, with those GI issued birth control glasses they got on him, looks like the1^st runner up in the annual West Virginia/Kentucky Mr. Inbred contest. Complete with goofy tobacco stained smile. So I suit up and get in the HUMMV and I’m sweating like crazy in my palms. Schroder is driving and Coot is riding shotgun I’m sitting in the back trying to hide myself behind the door and then I realize I can see the ground from inside the HUMMV from where the rust has eaten holes in the HUMMV (please write your congressman and tell your friends and family. These kids are riding around in deathtraps) and It didn’t get bad until we actually left the base. Here I am on a road in the middle of Fallujah and I’m trusting my life to two guys who 7 months ago were flipping burgers at Burger King. While we are riding Schroder turns around to me and says to me as soon as the base fades out of view,

“So they don’t let you contractors carry guns?”

I think to myself, “Great time to ask that question Sherlock.”

I reply, “No, they don’t let us carry guns.”

Schroder says, “Sir that’s fucked up they don’t let you guys carry guns.”

Me: “No fucking shit, how about you keep your damn eyes on the road and get me to this fucking antenna!” now that’s what I THOUGHT it came out like this.

“I agree, but the way I see it I put my faith in the fact that you guys are better shots than the Hajiis.”

“Roger that sir, you don’t have to worry Coot over here is proven sir.”

Coot turns around and smiles (complete with tobacco bits in his teeth) like a kid who just learned how to tie his shoes or put his clothes on all by himself.

For those of you who don’t know proven means that you have chalked up a confirmed kill. Kid is 18 years old and is good at killing. Sounds bad but on the whole it’s ok because he isn’t going to be good at picking up chicks. You have to have some type of skill.