Shellshocked

I reluctantly went out with some friends about a week ago and one of my friends commented that I'm shellshocked because I seemed like I was having an awful time while I was out with them. This was counter to the hard partying Tommie Hustle that they had come to know.

I think one issue was the fact that it was Scottsdale. I haven't had a good time in Scottsdale since I first moved to Arizona. It's just they way it is I suspect that my dislike of Scottsdale is cultural moreso than anything else. Shades of Emmit Till won't let me fit in socially. I should be more understanding in the 21st century but I can't get past it. It is the albatross of my youth I guess.

The other thing is that I can only talk about things that I have seen or heard while I've been in Iraq. These aren't exactly coffee table conversations besides the fact that the majority of things I've seen are classified the other parts are just too boring or disturbing (by my standards) to really want to talk about.

On top of that I've just been enjoying being by myself and not HAVING to talk to people. There is a joy in silence something that I don't think we realize. I'm just trying to get my mind right.

The sad thing is that I've neglected talking to people that I should have since I have been home. I mean there are a lot of people that want to see me and talk to me but I just can get up the energy to want to be around people. I asked one Marine I used to chat who had done two tours in Iraq what is it like to go home the first time. He said you feel out of place I didn't understand what he was talking about until I got home. The entire time I've been here I've felt out of place like I don't really fit in. It is a strange feeling. It think the worst part however was when I was in San Diego this weekend. I was out eating and there was some construction going on I heard someone hitting a wood board with a hammer and with the echo I automatically thought gunshots. For a split second I wanted to hit the deck before I thought about where I was. For me it is almost muscle memory to think about hitting the ground when I hear loud sounds. I know now how war can effect a person's sense of self.