Here come the ghosts.

My ex-fiancé called me today. Yes true believers, at one point in time not too long ago I was planning on getting married. She was in the wrong time and I was in the wrong place. Bottom line is I was an asshole. She was better to me than I could have asked for and more than I deserved. At any rate, she called my phone thinking I was already gone I could tell in her voice that she didn’t expect me to pick up the phone. We talked a bit I think she was trying to read me for information about how I was feeling. I was a bit distant partly because that’s the way I am but, mostly because I was in the process of packing and I was more focused on that. Well that’s not true I was really thinking about all of my situations and I didn’t feel like sharing. Again it was part of how I have been, a bit distant. The conversation was a bit staggered and the conversation just kind of died. She told me to be safe and she loves me. I said ok and hung up the phone. Her voice echoed in my head for a while and I just sat there and thought. I don’t think I packed another thing for the rest of the night.

The standard six.

1. Are you scared?

2. How long will you be there?

3. What does your family think?

4. How much does it pay?

5. Can you carry a gun?

6. Are you sure you aren't scared? I think you are. (I know that's not so much a question but more a statement)

So here are my answers -

1. No, I'm not scared. We all die, I've don't have any family or anyone in my life to speak of so it's not like I'm leaving anyone behind. Also, you also have to be able to conceive the danger. Right now I can't conceive the danger I have nothing to base that danger to. That doesn't mean I'm not concerned for my safety that just means that I have nothing to compare the danger to. Now then the next time I'm in a war zone I'll have something to go on.

2. 6 months/180 days.

3. They don't like it however, I'm sure they will get over it.

4. It is more than sufficient. You don't really think I'm going to give you a real number. Let's just say with proper money management skills I'll never be in debt again and that I'll be able to buy anything I want in cash.

5. My company’s official policy is that we are not authorized to carry any weapons. We are there in a support role and we are not war fighters. That being said that doesn't preclude me not learning how to use and operate a weapon. Bottom line is that my priority is to stay alive and if I were ever to find myself in a situation where I need to use a weapon to stay alive then so be it. I'd rather be fired than buried when I get home.

6. No really I'm not scared. I'm concerned but not scared ask me how I feel three days after the fact then I'll let you know.

Finally got around to telling people.

I sent out a mass email telling a good portion of my friends, family, and co-workers that I'll be heading to Iraq. People's reactions ranged from shock and surprise to horror. Some people have known longer than others but this is something I sent out to just let people know and put it out there. Truth be told I was supposed to leave in October and I wasn't going to tell anyone (besides the obvious) but, the schedule kept getting pushed back.

How people reacted by groups -

Family - My family's reaction is pretty much muted. They have known since I've accepted the job that I was going to take it and they pretty much knew there was nothing they could do in order to change my mind. They know I'm a fairly deliberate person and that I -


1) Rarely make decisions with doing a great deal of research. Decisions that I make appear spontaneous to most but I generally have done a lot of planning behind it.

2) Never do anything unless it has an obvious payoff for me. I'm not fond of charity. Even when I do something "nice" it has a direct payoff for me.


They of course didn't like it but they knew that I had already calculated my chance of survival and payoff. I think the e-mail just gave it a bit of finality that it was real.

Friends - My friends, well with them it was a mixed bag. I have an old roommate that was in Kuwait and he said that what I was doing is an easy gig. And I have others that are really more concerned than I would have expected. I have a buddy that I have known since I started college and he has spent most of his time talking to me attempting to convince me not to go and that it is not worth it. My closest buddy was the one I told first. He is a real cool cat he is the type of guy that only says something once. He said, "That's crazy and I would never do it but, that me. You know what you need to do."

Internet Friends - This is a weird group. These are people that I only know via the Internet. The funny thing is that I know some of them as well or better than my friends surely better than acquaintances. They mostly asked how my family felt about it and because of the nature of the Internet they asked me how much it was paying. Plus many of my Internet friends know my political leanings so in an sense me taking this job was a betrayal of my professed beliefs. All and all they have a pretty positive reaction to it. Probably because I don't take up a physical space in their mind and due to the voyeuristic nature of the internet they want to "know" how it's like there.

Acquaintances - These are people that I know maybe thru work or thru the social circle. Not people I would consider "friends" in the traditional since of the word but, they are good to have around for networking. They have been the most negative about my prospects and about my reasoning. I can't really blame them, I sent out a simple message saying that I accepted a job that will take me to Iraq and gave the dates. That was about it. So as we tend to do when we get a story and it has what we think are gaps we try to fill the gaps with whatever logic we think fits the story. That is all well and good but they forgot to ask me.

Co -Workers - Since we have a working relationship they tend to think about this in strictly money terms. In my old position, I did Security Engineering. I used to do analysis on system requirements and apply them to the system. I loved that job to be honest; it's pretty much where I wanted to spend the rest of my career. When it comes to the process of IA (information assurance) I was a bit of a visionary and I had big plans for our group. The problem was I didn't have clout and my ideas usually took a long drive off a short pier. My co-workers saw it but management didn't when I saw that they weren't receptive I knew what that meant. From my previous two layoffs, I have learned to be proactive in my career you want to move before your management does. If you don't you may find out the hard way.

My old co-workers were shocked that I was looking at another job. I gave no indication that I was interviewing with another section or that I was looking at a new position. I'm deliberate, I don't discuss, I just do. I mean they are concerned about my well being but, the mostly want to know if this is paying well.